First showing up to AFR, my mind was un-recognizable: I didn’t know who I was looking at in the mirror. I wanted instant gratification in everything and of course this was what my life was before I came to rehab. In everything involving reeling better, food, people, I wanted it right now and how I wanted it. The thought of shame, guilt, and weakness was all that filled my head. I didn’t feel I could truly trust anyone here, because deep down I didn’t trust myself. I thought “how the hell am I going to do this and why the hell am I even here”. I saw no purpose. Later on in my program I noticed I felt no purpose for my existence on this earth, and that was why I felt no purpose to be here. I was constantly back and forth with my feelings thoughts and emotions. I became a bigger worry than when I walked in here.
Once my blue book was done that was when a different perspective came upon me. I saw the darkness I had inside and realized that there is light at the end of that tunnel of dark I had built up for 19 years of my life. I realized going through my chapters that I had a lot of built up guilt and baggage that I was just taking along with me everywhere I went. And also, that I was carrying around so much of other’s baggage along with it, and truthfully learning throughout my step that, none of that is my responsibility. I learned that just to be me is okay. And we must dive within us to become remarkable and the person we have always dreamed of being. All things are possible when you are genuine, honest, and trustworthy. I learned that I must believe in myself through the best and worst of times to stay strong. That I can only control the person I am. I feel that my confidence has dramatically changed and I see this world as a beautiful place. I am less discerning of others and feel I don’t have to hid behind my worries, stress, and image that everyone sees me as. I am learning to take a step back before coming to a conclusion. There is not an answer to everything. And my life is truly in God’s hands and is up to nature to lead my direction and to have solid integrity throughout it all, is on my shoulders. Taking every day, one step at a time is what I realize I need to remind myself of constantly. This is my life and no one else’s!